|
Order of the Silver Star or Alcoholics Anonymous The Desire Chip for the alcoholic that wishes to try this program one day at a time is silver in color. Secret Orders have troubles hiding as we move along in this timeline. ISis RA ELohim is another.
Ummm, okay. I honestly don't know what to say.
Have a good day now.
== Orange
Here it is, Veterans' Day. What that means is that they close everything in honor of me,
and I can't get any services today. The library is closed in honor of me, so I can't get
any Internet access. Everything is closed.
Oh well, on Labor Day, the laborers can't get anything either.
Ten years ago, I couldn't get my nicotine patches to quit smoking, because it was Veterans' Day.
I found it ironic that veterans can't get their medications on Veterans' Day. I was very sick
with bronchitis, and really needed to quit smoking. I had the prescription, but needed to
get it filled.
Then the 12th was a Sunday, and the pharmacy was closed that day too.
So I had to wait two days to get the patches and quit smoking.
On the 13th, I finally got the patches, and then, on the way home,
stopped off at Pioneer Courthouse Square,
and sat down and ceremonially smoked one last cigarette, and then went home (to the
homeless shelter)
and took off my shirt and put on a patch, and haven't smoked a cigarette since.
Happy Veterans' Day.
BLOG NOTE: 27 November 2010.
P.S.: Yes, it's the same Pioneer Courthouse Square as that nutcase would-be terrorist
just tried to blow up during the Christmas-Tree lighting ceremony.
They call Pioneer Courthouse Square "Portland's Living Room",
and it's a popular gathering spot in the center of downtown Portland. So one of the things that
they do is have Portland's giant Christmas tree there.
During the summer they have "Flicks on the Bricks" (free movies)
and "Noon Tunes" (free music concerts at noon).
Dear Orange, I found your website when searching terms like "alcoholics anonymous research". I have a "patchy" alcoholic record: patches of binges between long sobriety periods (3 years, 5 years, 8 years). I tried AA in 1994, but didn't buy into it. Firstly, I didn't understand the idea of keeping me sober with the help of 12 Steps and God. Secondly, my English was not good enough to fully comprehend the AA lingo. In 2008 I had a 8-day long binge (after 8 dry years), after which I was pretty shaky, malnourished and full of sorrow. I landed in a treatment centre (outpatient program), which in turn re-introduced me to AA. AA meetings were compulsory, at least 2 a week. One thing that I understood pretty quickly in the treatment centre, but hadn't seen before, was that abstinence doesn't equal recovery. I discovered loads of stuff I needed to change in my life in order to avoid such devastating binges. I would lie if I said that therapists made me aware of what EXACTLY was wrong with me, but they for sure helped me understand that changes were very important to maintain my sobriety and to head for recovery. AA helped me to actually introduce important changes in my life. I needed such a "push" (a program), to straighten certain things up by apologizing those whom I REALLY wronged, to pay debts back etc. It was indeed a relief to see that old baggage go. "Personal Inventory" was helpful to see who I really was: both treatment centre and AA helped me to exercise routine of an honest stock taking (positives and negatives). I believe this new habit of mine (stock taking) is a virtue that many wiser than me do routinely. In other words, I was given a plan of action to do what I really had been wanting to do for a long time, plus affirmation, guidance and sort of supervision. I really needed that "structure" around me, at least for a while. I needed encouragement to start exercising what I myself believed in, but somehow couldn't start doing on my own. For sure, AA is a good place to admit the problem. I mean, if one really doubts, he can easily identify in AA. Admission to the problem is the foundation of any further action, otherwise one wouldn't even stop drinking. Another good thing about AA is simply meeting others and talking to other drunks. It helped to be welcomed and experience the feeling of "belonging". Without a doubt, if AA meetings were not required by the treatment centre, I wouldn't go. My primary trust rested with the treatment centre. I somehow continued the work initiated in the centre through AA, and established a new "way of living" by being honest with myself and others, asking for help when needed, exercising awereness of myself (feelings, actions, thinking), correcting promptly what's wrong, supporting others. Nothing wrong with that. There were various aspects of AA that worried me, or I didn't really like, like mass-style preambles, the same people talking the same things ad nauseam, some sadness painted on peoples' faces (even "old timers"), many people relapsing, almost no retention of newcomers, bossy style of old timers etc. Somehow I learned to accept those shortcomings of AA, explaining to myself that I was intolerant, overly critical, or too sensitive. My last 3 weeks were heavy, due to a few misfortunes. I didn't feel well: depressed, apathetic, fearful. I did my AA program well, by attending meetings, sharing, reading, meditating, but somehow my mood wasn't changing. It actually got worse. It came to the point when reading the Big Book invoked drinking urges. I talked to my sponsor about that and to a few AAs. Their response was, to put it mildly, ridiculous: they suggested that I WAS DOING SOMETHING WRONG, meaning that I had to refer to the AA program "better". I have some degree of intelligence to take such suggestions as preposterous. After all, I expected what anybody in trouble would expect: support, advice, a helping hand, a pat on the back etc., but all I heard, in response to my quite specific problems, was a vague nonsense like "Keep coming back", "Do the next RIGHT thing"., "You have no control over those things" and similar riddles. It is like sharing with your friend that your tummy is very sore, but hearing in response that Ferraris are really fast cars. That was the first time when I didn't experience any help from AA. For as long as I was "doing the program", everything was OK, cos it was me who was using the program to introduce some positive changes in my life. In the moment when I was in trouble (serious trouble, mind you: I experienced craving for a drink) I didn't receive even ONE single phone call with a question "How are you?" In other words, AA was 'helping me" only when I BELIEVED in that help, but in a crisis situation AA proved to be as powerless as the First Step states, and AA members indirectly suggested that I had to somehow, magically, find some power to overcome my problems. It was quite a revelation to me: to be left ALONE with my misery, with no real answers or directions from AA. I just guess that if I relapsed, I would be accused of not doing the program well! What is very sad is that I have spent, to date, almost 2.5 years in AA, faithfully, but when in trouble I cannot see any real help: they just give me those brainteasers to take home. I sat down and analysed exactly what had recently happened in my life, what were my feelings, what had I neglected etc. I came to various conclusions. For example, out of all amends (Steps 8 and 9) I forgot to make amends to myself. Those amends include, among others, stopping smoking, however AA members insist that I must be "ready" to stop, and that I must not "rush" with those things. That way I am basically encouraged to carry on smoking, for some obscure reason. I discovered that I was indeed indoctrinated, in spite of my education. I started to believe that certain changes would just happen in my life, by doing the AA program. Unfortunately, I was very wrong. I must exercise my independent will to alter my habits, like in case of drinking (it was my decision to stop). Slowly, I imprisoned myself in the loop of meetings—sponsor—steps—service, fell into sort of complacency and belief that my life would now progress to some eternal happiness, cos Higher Power would take care of all other problems. That broken-record style of life led me straight to depressive mood — and almost to drinking! The "treatment' started to harm me, or pushed me into a situation when I could relapse. I also wanted to inform myself better about the "AA treatment", especially the success rate, hence I did a little Internet research and found your website. That's how I found out that the AA Solution could be a Final Solution. Your website just confirmed my worst fears. Although some of AA material is a subject to interpretation, a vast majority of your material is very well supported by scientific data, which I appreciate a great deal. AA is NOT a treatment program, but merely a supportive tool in the recovery. One must approach recovery holistically and under no circumstances rely entirely on AA. By the way, I am really surprised that you claim that AA blames alcoholism on character defects. I never interpreted their writings like that. I identified that I had certain "defects of character" that I should attend to (correct) in order to distance myself from the urge to drink. In other words, since I am an alcoholic, I cannot touch alcohol, so I must prevent urges. Urges develop when my emotions are excessive (sadness, resentments, guilt), so I should look at those triggers and re-program myself: that way I reduce the probability of urges. I correct it by living debt-free, being honest (as much as I can), trying to understand, delaying reaction etc. Maybe my English is still not good enough, or maybe my treatment centre put other ideas in my head, or maybe both, but I indeed never conceived that connection in my head (after reading Big Book): character defects ---> alcoholism. I merely understood that addicts are more prone to excessive emotional states (idiopathic or alcohol-related) and that, actually, helped me to identify with other alcoholics through the frequently displayed "defects" like extreme impatience, fear of the unknown, predicting the worst etc. I guess I was lucky — that I avoided thinking that I was really a BAD person and therefore an alcoholic :) Your website is fantastic and I would like to commend you on your hard work and well-researched material. It helps me a graet deal, especially now when I am in crisis. Have A Lovely Day! Adam
Hello Adam,
Thank you for the letter, and thank you for the compliments.
One line really rang a bell in my head:
"I forgot to make amends to myself."
You know, I can't remember anybody ever saying that before. And it's a great point.
In addition, I also think about, "What about other people making amends to me?"
The Steps don't even mention that. The harm and hurts were not just a one-way street,
with me doing all of the harming and hurting. Other people hurt me too, a lot.
Sometimes I felt like King Lear (in Shakespeare's play)
"Surely I am more sinned against than sinned".
If we are going to be truthful and realistic, we have to look at both sides of the coin.
I agree about the help and usefulness of introspection, and finding what we are doing
wrong, and fixing it. And if we can patch up relationships by "making amends", that is
okay too. My big problem with A.A. is that it is all so negative, and just dwells on
what is wrong with you. You mentioned that when you did your "searching and fearless
moral inventory", that you looked at both the positives and the negatives. I almost
never hear that. It's almost always just about the negatives.
About the "defects of character": that phrase really means "sins".
In the Oxford Group, people were required to confess all of their sins in meetings.
When Bill Wilson copied the Oxford Group theology, he had to change a few words to
avoid getting into conflicts with the Catholic Church, and losing his Catholic members.
The Catholic Church has a strong ban on public confessions.
So the word "confession" was changed into "admitting our wrongs",
and "sins" was changed into "defects of character"
and "moral shortcomings".
But it still means "sins", and in his second book, Bill Wilson dropped the pretense and
said that they were the same thing:
You can read much more of that in the web page about "The Us Stupid Drunks Conspiracy",
here
Also, we discussed that in a letter a long time ago,
here.
The way that the A.A. members refused to help you when you needed it sounds very familiar.
I've heard that a lot. The "A.A. friends" disappear fast if
you are not singing the praises of Bill Wilson and Alcoholics Anonymous.
Unfortunately, when people get indoctrinated and brainwashed into believing
the cult dogma, they seem to be incapable of considering the idea that the Steps are not
working, and are not accomplishing the desired goal. They can't even consider the idea
that the Steps are not perfect.
So, if something is not working right, it must be your fault, they say.
Personally, I have found that when I get those cravings, it is usually the base brain craving
center getting hungry. That is, what I like to call
the Lizard Brain Addiction Monster,
doing his thing again.
Click on that link, and read about that.
After being sober and healthy for a while, our brains have a tendency
to forget about the pain of drinking, and just remember the pleasure.
That can be a problem. We can get to thinking that drinking really would be a lot of fun.
So we start to experience cravings as the Lizard Brain yammers and demands a good time.
And if I am tired and hungry, that just makes things worse.
My defense against that is:
That does it for me.
And I would also suggest going and doing something positive. Go out and have a good time
without drinking. Do something fun and adventurous, or have a love affair, or accomplish
something that you have been wanting to do for a long time. Do something that will refute
the Lizard Brain's complaining about how life isn't any fun any more, so we should just
have a good time for a while.
Have a good day.
== Orange
[The next letter from Adam C. is here.]
[More gosling photos below, here.]
A lady friend and I went to see a Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert last night.
It was a fantastic show. The music was beyond good, it was unbelieveably tight.
A couple of years ago, a TV host introduced them as
"Pink Floyd Meets Santa Claus". That is actually pretty accurate.
They specialize in Christmas music, done with a hard-rock/classical hybrid style.
All of the musicians are classically trained, and it shows.
They can switch from playing hard rock to playing classical music in a second. Literally.
And on cue.
They had the standard three guitarists (lead, rhythm, bass), and drummer,
and two keyboard players who can (and did)
do classical piano concertos alternating with rock riffs,
and one or two violins, backed up by the Oregon Strings,
a local eight-piece string section. And they had four female singers, one of whom also played the violin.
And half of the guys themselves can sing too.
And the light show was the best that I've ever seen. They used lasers, video projectors, spotlights, neon,
flame throwers, fireworks and explosives, and I don't know what else.
I'm an old techie and I don't know how they did some of
that stuff. It took four technicians at the sound board and computer
consoles to run it all.
They said, during the introductions, that they had been doing it for 31 years. I don't know
where they have been hiding for the past 28 years. I only first heard of them three years ago,
when the song Christmas Eve, Sarajevo 12-24 became popular.
Oh, and they really put on a whole show, too. So many prima donna
bands use up half of the time with an opening act, and then just play
for a while, and that's it. Not with Trans-Siberian Orchestra.
After a couple of hours, I got the feeling that they were about to end
it. Like maybe they would play one more song, and then let us yell for
an oncore, and then do the encore and be out of there.
No way. They were just doing a change of pace.
They played for another hour and a half after that,
from 7:30 PM to 11 PM altogether. They didn't even have an
intermission. They just arranged the music so that there would be some
songs where they had one singer and one guitarist on stage, and everybody
else could take a quick break and come back for the next song.
The show never stopped.
A great show. If you have a chance to see them, I think you will enjoy the show.
I would like to thank you for you in depth research of AA. I used the other "fellowship, NA . I felt so out of place there. I often wondered what the hell was going on in those meetings. It felt crazed. I left because the answers I was looking for was not there. I ran from the 12 Step thought. It was unsuitable for me. What you have written here is how I felt after a few months of going to that group. When I questioned some of the philosophy I was told "You are thinking to much"; "Shut up you really don't have anything to say"; "Who are you to question the founders of this program". It goes on and on. I did not agree with the negative labeling of addict. How I think, I am not an addict. I was addicted at one point and time, but not now. It is what I did, not WHO I am. I've seen things that was so much in contradiction, it left me say, "what the hell". The shaming and guilt tactics were just ridiculous. People told me just to go for the social aspect of it. Most of the people I encountered there I do not want to know. If the only thing I have in common is that I used to use drugs and alcohol, I'm all set with that. I have other things to do. I was in NA for about 18-20 months before I said to hell with this madness. I Goggled non-12 Step groups and research them all. I finally came upon SMART Recovery and really like the fact that negative labeling is NOT encouraged. I'm close to 6 years clean and have grown so much. I found that I can think for myself. I found this statement in SMART Recovery, "Sobriety with caution, Recovery without labels". How I think, to keep using the word addict or alcoholic kills the motivation and self-confidence. I work in the field of addiction and I tell people that they do have options to where they want to go to find some tools to live their life. I tell people about all the other non-12 step groups. There is no need for me to promote 12 Step because it is already there. I do not call people any negative labeling. In my groups, there is a no negative labeling zone. Even if it is only for one hour out of the day. So not all of us who do work in the addiction field promote 12 Step philosophy. To be honest, I abhor it!!! Thanks again. Nice to know that there are other people out there who share similar thoughts.
Hello Webster,
Thank you for the letter, and the thanks.
I love this phrase, "a no negative labeling zone."
That's good. And important too.
You hit the nail on the head there: How are you going to get better if all that you do is talk
about how bad you are? That is very counter-productive.
I'm glad that you are working in the field of addiction treatment and recovery.
So have a good day now.
== Orange
S. Brattleboro, VT you have good points Susan
Hi Susan,
Thanks, and you have a good day too.
== Orange
Sharron wrote:
Hi Sharron,
Thanks for the good wishes, and I hope you enjoy the Orange Papers.
Have a good day now.
== Orange
Hey Orange: Read your last batch of e-mails and I would have to say that your homepage does need some redesign, particularly in terms of the letters (if you get any more I'm guessing your home page will be three screens wide and ten deep). Ever thought of setting up Wordpress on your web server and doing future letters from there? Also, don't know if anybody's sent you these two stories yet: http://www.edgeboston.com/index.php?ch=news&sc=&sc2=news&sc3=&id=109418 http://www.wcax.com/Global/story.asp?S=13009813
Hello John,
Thanks for the tips. Yes, I've been thinking of that front page. It could use a redesign.
I'll have to check out Wordpress. I don't know a thing about it. The one thing that I am sure of is
that I don't want to use any computer where I cannot log into it with a shell account,
and get in there behind the scenes to fix things and archive things.
The same thing applies to the forum that I want to get set up real soon now. I don't want to use any
external web site, outside of the web server that I already have, where I can and do log in with a shell
account. (I only use Linux or Solaris or Unix web servers. Windoze won't allow me a shell login.)
As it is, I have the production of letters pretty well automated. I use shell scripts to do most
of the formatting work. That is one of the reasons that I answer letters with web pages — the web pages
are already produced automatically by the scripts inside of my own computers (that also run Linux).
Have a good day now.
== Orange
Date: Mon, October 25, 2010 2:56 pm (answered 17 November 2010) 1. are you sober or still a drunk? 2. you state failure of 100% I am sober so that refutes that little stat of yours. 3. 65,000 sober people show it works. Sorry you can't accept that fact. And getting drunk repeatedly shows some sort of insanity. 4. any moron can quit drinking. Staying sober if the trick. 5. by the way, 450 plus old timers had over 26,000 or sobriety. I have over 30 years. How much clean time you got?
Hi again, Frank,
And the answers are:
So how could an organization like A.A. have a failure rate greater than 100%, even though some members claim
to have years of sobriety?
And in fact, the medical tests of Alcoholics Anonymous have shown just such results:
When Alcoholics Anonymous actually raises the death rate in alcoholics,
and raises the relapse rate, and raises the rate of binge drinking, then
that is a negative success rate, a rate of failure greater than 100%.
And again, you are assuming a cause-and-effect relationship where none exists. Just because some people
quit drinking and then attended a convention in Texas does not prove that an old pro-Nazi cult religion
fron the nineteen-thirties made them get sober.
The real reasons why people quit drinking are things like: to save their
lives and avoid a painful death, to save a marriage or career, to regain
one's self-respect, to keep children, to end legal problems, and to stop the pain and get healthy.
There is zero evidence that the bizarre occult practices of Alcoholics
Anonymous make people quit drinking. "It" — Alcoholics
Anonymous — does not work.
Again, there is no evidence of a
cause-and-effect relationship
there. Just because some people love
cult religion and devote their lives to it does not make it a good thing, or prove that the cult did
something good for them.
In addition, A.A. claims to have nearly 2 million members, worldwide.
Do you realize what a tiny fraction of 2 million 450 is?
That is less than a drop in the bucket. 450 is only 0.0225% of 2 million.
So you are claiming that two and a quarter one-hundredths of one percent of the A.A. members
have a lot of sober time. The obvious conclusion is that the A.A. program
is not working so well for the other 99.9775% of the A.A. members.
Those few sober people sure don't prove that A.A. works.
They prove that A.A. does not work.
Bragging that two ten-thousandths of the A.A. membership have a bunch of years of
sobriety is really pathetic. It shows the desperate lengths that A.A. leaders are going
to, to try to create the illusion that A.A. is a success story.
But they did that, didn't they? You probably heard some guy on stage at the convention,
grandly bragging that 450 guys out of 2 million had many years of sobriety, didn't you?
And you didn't notice that they were playing ridiculous mind games on you.
You parrotted their line as if it was really evidence of something.
So much for the convention.
Personally, I have 10 years of sobriety now, without any cult religion
or any other group or organization.
That is 10 years without a beer or a cigarette or an illicit drug or anything.
That also includes 10 years of not consuming any legal doctor-prescribed
mind-altering prescription drugs like tranquilizers.
That is 10 years of nothing but good espresso coffee.
So how many of those 450 old-timers that you are bragging about are still addicted to cigarettes?
Why don't the 12 Steps work on tobacco addiction?
Congratulations on your 30 years of not killing yourself with alcohol.
You did it. No cult religion did it for you.
Nobody held your hand every Saturday night but you.
No organization saved you. You saved yourself.
Have a good day now.
== Orange
Allan wrote:
Hi Allan,
Thanks for the good wishes, and you have a good day now.
== Orange
Thanks! Here's something lighter than AA, etc. http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/19/opinion/19tue4.html?_r=2&th&emc=th
John H.
Hi John,
Thanks for the note, and for bringing a smile to my lips.
Yes, goslings are the same way too. They want a parent figure, and they want attention,
and when they are orphaned, they will take whatever they can get.
When I'm the parent, they want to cuddle up with me and sleep with me. And they follow me around
all day, and cry if we are separated for even a minute.
The feeling you get from having a little baby gosling cuddling up against your ear, under your hair,
chirping happily about being warm and safe, is incredible.
When it was time for me to take them to the park, they would actually chirp happily when I picked
them up and put them into a cloth carrying bag, because they knew the routine, and knew that we were
going to the park, where they could run around free and browse and munch the grass.
Have a good day now.
== Orange
Date: Tue, October 26, 2010 7:15 pm (answered 17 November 2010) Dear Orange, Thanks so much for responding to me and for your concern. I wrote to you last week and said that I was considering quitting my meds. I must apologize for that. I was just feeling so trapped in AA and helpless and hopeless that I wanted to self destruct. I tend to do that when I'm continuously told I'm crazy, can't be trusted to think properly and am, in general, a bad, immoral person because that's picking at some really bad old scars. But eventually see it for what it is and straighten myself out. And I did. And I'm sure SMART will help me sort things out quicker in the future. I now have a friend there that I can talk to who feels the same way about AA which relieves a lot of pressure and anxiety. I will continue to go to meetings the same way I did before I found out that my thinking was, indeed, correct. I figure it's the least I can do for my brother, it keeps him happy. And I will continue to keep my mouth shut about all the irrational and untrue things people say, and just believe that they believe in what they believe in. I'll put the cotton in both my mouth and my ears. And for any others who don't believe in AA, I'll be there with the truth you have shared, and have done so just tonight. This poor woman is so depressed because she is not getting what she needs from AA. I told her about SMART and your site. I've decided to think differently about going. It will give me so much practice towards better tolerance of views I think are just plain crazy. And if you wish, I'll send you some of the crazy stuff I hear. For instance, did you know that God sent a blizzard on ALL of NYC just so one woman would be alone at a meeting and write down her 4th step? Bet there were a lot of New Yorkers really pissed off that she couldn't have just done it at home like everybody else. Hahaha. Ignorance is bliss for some, but I prefer truth and rationality. Although I'm not always rational, (like last week, yikes!) I am most of the time. I can't thank you enough for all that you have done. Haha, Orange you must be a higher power cuz you restored ME to sanity! You helped me rediscover the intelligent and independent person I was before drinking ever became a problem in my life. Now, if you don't mind, I think I'll go be all grandiose, take my will back, play God and find myself a job!!!!
With Great Admiration,
Date: Thu, October 28, 2010 8:33 am (answered 17 November 2010) Hi Orange, Me again. Maybe you have already addressed this question and I haven't found it yet. I've tried to research it myself, I'm but not satisfied that the info I've found is not AA misinfo. Is addiction still progressive during abstinence (while I'm in a meeting it's outside doing push-ups)? If this isn't true I think it's an extremely dangerous thing to tell people.
Again, thank you so much for all you do.
Hi again, Michelle,
Thanks for the letters, and especially thanks for taking care of yourself, in spite of A.A.
I can answer your last question from personal experience: "No, the progression while you are sober is
just a myth, just another A.A. fairy tale, a bogey-man intended to scare the children."
My personal history is that I quit drinking for three years way back around 1987. When I started drinking
again, after three years of perfect sobriety, I just started back up at the same level again.
Actually, it took about a month to build back up to that level, but that wasn't very long. I
quickly reestablished my old comfort zone.
But I didn't go up above that level of drinking for years more. It took nine more years of drinking
to build up to a fatal level.
In fact, not only does "alcoholism" not progress during periods of sobriety, you recover during those
periods. (You really recover, physically, no matter whether you are going to A.A. meetings or not. Forget
that nonsense about not "being in recovery" if you don't go to A.A. meetings and do the Twelve Steps.)
My liver is in much better shape now because of those three years during which it could repair
the damage and get prepared for the next wave of alcohol. I was not in worse shape after those three years
of sobriety, I was in much better shape.
I am sure that the good condition of my liver now is due to that 3-year break. My doctor was pleasantly
surprised when he got the test results back, too (back around 2000).
He expected my liver to be badly damaged, but it wasn't.
Have a good day, and a good life.
== Orange
[The next letter from Michelle J. is here.]
[The story of Carmen continues here.]
Dear Orange, I love your website. It is so comprehensive, detailed and irrefutable, it is almost scary. I love how pro-AA propagandists think that they can discredit your work with a few paragraphs, which always neglect to engage with any of the actual points you make against AA, and a few ad-hom attacks that question why you are so angry and why you hate AA. I have been going to AA for 10 years. I have always skeptical about the existence of god, and in the last year, this skepticism has turned into non-belief in the existence of god. My former sponsor was always deflecting doubts I had about god and was very skillful at turning these doubts back on me. For example, I once said to him "Why does god allow so many poor children to die each day in Africa, but he cares so much about (relatively) wealthy western boozebags?" or words to that effect. His response was "Well, I usually find that when people in AA have generalised objections to the idea of god, it has more to do with their personal issues, and what is going on for them....." or words to that effect. His response may have well have been true, but it still didn't answer my question as to why would any god worth two cents of respect, would care about the wellbeing of people engaging in a destructive behaviour and intervene in their lives in many detailed ways, while watching with blight indifference at so many innocent, blameless children dying of preventable causes. His answer definitely was a very good example of AA's tactic of turning the spotlight back on the critic, accusing the critic of being the one with the problem that needed 'adjusting'. Something about AA and NA never sat right with me, it always felt a bit off, but I was so terrified of drinking or taking drugs, that I quieted the critical voice in my head. The idea that I either had to find a 'spiritual' way of life or that I would die, drunk, homeless and pennyless, was rammed into my head repeatedly from the day I arrived in AA and NA. I witnessed the way that any pretty, young, vulnerable female newcomer in NA was pounced on by predators as soon as she set foot in the 'rooms'. Most of these women ended up being taken advantage of and tended to relapse much quicker than male newcomers. My hardcore big-book-bashing sponsor went back to the US in 2004, and I continued to attend the meetings but I stopped working the steps and stopped treating the turgid big book as a sacred text. Meetings here in Ireland tend not to focus much on the big book or the steps, most people don't read the big book or work the steps with a sponsor as they are described in the big book and 12X12. Meetings here tend to consist of people engaging in games of one-up-man-ship to see who can tell the funniest and most horrific war stories, or whinge-fests of people bitching about how their life is now, while telling newcomers how they can have a "life beyond your wildest dreams" if you "get a god into your life" (I often felt like asking the morons who parroted this pearl of wisdom, "Which god would that be now, Wotan, Thor, Zeus, Perseus? Oh wait, last week you asked me, after a meeting, would I like to go to a retreat in Mount Mellory in Waterford, which is a catholic monastery where the catholic hierarchy likes to hide priests who have been accused of child-molestation, so I can guess you want me to get the Judeo-Christian god "into my life", but you say "a god" so that you can disguise the fact that you are a religious nutbag and maintain the pretense that AA allows any member to worship any god they want to.) And of course the admonition to get to lots and lots of meetings. At one of the last meetings I attended, I got drawn into a conversation with a few oldtimers and a newcomer, where we attempted to forensically determine the optimum number of meetings one should attend in a week. I think we arrived at 3-4!! As you can imagine, meetings here are almost cosmically dreary. I go through bouts of insomnia, and all the meetings here are on at 8.30p.m. at night, so I developed the neat trick of sleeping through a lot of AA meetings. I don't just mean dozing or snoozing either, quite often I would fall fast asleep and nearly fall off the chair I was sitting in. Who says that AA meetings are useless?? I was never comfortable sharing at AA meetings, I never liked discussing details of my life in front of a room of semi-strangers, a lot of whom I didn't like, and I left the parroting of AA slogans and propaganda to more skillful practitioners of that dark art. Only in the last year, since my departure from belief in god, did I start to really question the AA program, I had to ask myself, "If god isn't keeping me sober, then how am I staying away from the first drink?" That led me to question the truth of the first step. I began to grow more and more uncomfortable at AA meetings and instead of snoozing off whenever someone said that "god never took a gift [sobriety] back from anyone, but people have given that gift back", I started getting annoyed and started asking myself "Why does god get all the credit in AA for the success stories i.e. people like me who manage to remain abstinent, but whenever someone relapses and drinks again, all the blame is put on the relapser, and AA gets a free pass?" Through my reading of books about atheism, I was learning about the tactic that religions use of "counting the hits and ignoring the misses" to justify their beliefs in god. AA was using this very same tactic!! This was a real eye-opener for me!! I started to ask myself whether all the people that I had seen relapse down through the years, some of whom died, had been entirely at fault for their own demise and began to ask myself whether AA had such a wonderful success rate after all. When I saw through the bombastic religious claims that AA makes, I began to question whether AA has much to offer people who are abusing alcohol. However, everything that I had ever read about AA was always "conference-approved" AA literature which trumpeted how wonderful AA was and what a great program it is, if you are willing to work it. Always with the qualifiers, which shove all the blame for any failure back onto the individual. I couldn't find any literature which examined AA from a critical or skeptical viewpoint. During summer 2010, I found my copy of Daily Reflections ("conference-approved") and tried to start reading it on a daily basis again. I nearly gagged. The overt, bombastic religiosity of this book jumped out at me like never before. All the craven worship of god as Bill Wilson understood him, and all the declarations of what miraculous things this god was achieving in members lives, made me sick. I was finding it increasingly difficult to go to meetings and listen to all this nonsense, which I no longer believed in. In early September I went on holiday to Spain and one of the books I had on my Kindle was all about different lies that we are told. One article was by Charles Bufe called AA Lies. I read it on the plane over to Spain and followed the links to aadeprogramming.com, morerevealed.com and to your fine website. It was like finding a glass of cold water in the middle of the desert. It was wonderful to finally read all my misgivings and doubts written down on a page in front of me. It wasn't just me who had these questions and misgivings! Maybe I wasn't the crazy one after all! I went to a meeting on the Wednesday of the holiday, and I finally saw what AA is with new eyes. At the end of the meeting everyone held hands and said some prayers and slogans. I asked myself "How is this any different from a religion?" I haven't been at a meeting since, I don't think I could stomach the hypocrisy, the delusion, the mind-numbing repetition of slogans and thought-stopping mechanisms, the disdain and contempt with which the ability to think and analyse for oneself is treated, the slavish adherence to Bill Wilson's lunacy, the reverence with which his insane ravings are treated, and the way a queue of aging, oleaginous lotharios always forms whenever a pretty young vulnerable female newcomer arrives. It feels great to be able to use my mind again, to revel in the ability to think for myself that I possess, without feeling like I am breaking the sacred commandments of "my worst thinking got me here" or "us alcoholics don't think too well" or "keep it simpleton". I find it very hard to imagine that I will go back to meetings, I think I will be able to find better ways to amuse myself in the evenings, and I intend to read as many of your interesting essays as I can. The true story of the history of AA is far more interesting than the dishonest, sanitised history that is presented in the AA propaganda. Keep up the good work, keep fighting the good fight and thank you again for the trojan work you have done in exposing the truth behind the 12 step religion.
Tom
Hi Tom,
Thank you for the letter, and the compliments. You make so many good points, and hit the nail
on the head so many times.
A couple of things that really stood out for me were:
I am reminded of
the Penn & Teller line
about "Alcoholics Anonymous has no respect for
alcoholics." Yes. It is so obvious in 20/20 hindsight.
A.A. is constantly repeating that line about wanting to
"remove the stigma of alcoholism",
but A.A. actually works to increase the stigma. A.A. is really treating
alcoholics with contempt, forever talking about how bad and selfish and sinful
and willful and manipulative alcoholics are.
And if you dare to question the perfection of Saint Wilson's
teachings, they will attack you and put you down, and recite your list of imperfections.
Yes, that is the big question. If God is really serving every need of Alcoholics Anonymous
members, while ignoring the plight of the other 99.97% of the human race, that sure makes God into
a weird heartless monster.
Apparently, the only way to get the A.A. god's love is to drink too much alcohol
and rot your brain.
Only then will "God" hear your prayers and grant your wishes.
Yep. I don't even need to say anything else. Just "yep."
Have a good day, and a good life.
== Orange
Last updated 8 March 2013. |
